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When I die, bury me with my Satisfyer Pro 2

Star Rating: 5/5

Price: 4/5

Product Execution: 5/5

Customer satisfaction: 6/5

A few weeks ago I dreamt that my house caught fire in the night. Amidst smoke inhalation, intensifying flames and a collapsing stairwell my limp and fragile body pivoted, returning back to the burning building once more. I heeded the calls of my roommates behind me, begging me to save myself, their cries urging me to protect my health at all costs. They didn’t understand, how could they? I wasn’t returning for my grandmother’s scarf or a scrapbook of family memories, fuck off. I was grabbing my Satisfyer from the top drawer of my bedside table, the charger too. I reached the door of my room, with flames circling at my feet, I awoke in a sweaty mess, distressed. I sat upright, hearing the blaring sound of my alarm, I reached into the top drawer of my nightstand and felt the smooth curve of its handle. I felt my heart rate slow, all was well. My most prized possession was safe.

image source: Cheek Media Co.

I simply cannot find the words to describe the connection between myself and my Satisfyer. Just last week, I added ‘Satisfyer Pro setting 11’ to the special skills section of my CV. A wise tweet I once read stated, ‘your vibrator setting says a lot about you’. My vibrator setting says, ‘extremely low libido thanks to contraceptive and years of internalised sexual shame: must set her clitoris on fire’. That is exactly what this gal does. Her range is incredible. She is the Lady Gaga of vibes.

In preparation for this review, I got out my nifty orgasm notebook and calculated that each heavenly moment provided by the Satisfyer has cost less than one cent, in fact, 0.21 of a cent per gasm in thirteen months of usage. Those figures speak for themselves, clitoris owners. The truest expression of love for my Satisfyer arrives after one beverage, when I get the overwhelming urge to let every woman within a two seat radius know about it. I have woken up countless times to my own messages, a series of read receipts in which I have unflinchingly linked women I don’t really know to a Satisfyer sale. At first, I was uncomfortable by these messages, knowing I had inflicted such torturous conversation onto women who quite frankly, did not give a fuck. After a few of these drunken message occurrences, a friend approached me to affirm my belief that, YES, I had changed her life. Never again would I look back on this act of charity with shame, with trauma. If you weren’t clicking my link, YOU were the one missing out (Satisfyer if you’d be interested in providing me with a discount code I’m open to that just give me a buzz).

If you can nab the Satisfyer Pro 2 during a sale, you’re looking at around 55 bucks. It comes with a charge cord and that is a super important feature of the device. For YEARS I would duck out of my room in a towel, into the midst of my bustling share house to steal a pair of double A’s from the TV remote in order to climax. It was an extreme sport, at times. BUT NEVER AGAIN, this charger sits right by my bed, ready to save the day and the gasm.

To conclude, I cannot overstate the positive investment you are making in your life. If you’re in the market for pleasure, you cannot go past this big, bad girl. Satisfyer, sponsor me.