• Cheek

Translating corporate job ad wank part 2

Updated: Jan 4

New year, new job? If you’re getting ready to make a much needed job change in 2021, you’ve gotta read this first. We’re bringing you part two of our corporate job ad transitions. In a job market coloured by COVID-19, there are a huge number of applicants to every job ad posted, and employers are clearly taking huge advantage of that by adding a whole heap of wank to every single ad. Here are a few terms you should look out for before hitting apply.


MLM recruiter or corporate job ad?

CAPS LOCK: A resounding EEK. All caps advertising is 1. A great way to scare off Millennials and Zoomers, and 2. A super simple way to appear unhinged. NO THANK YOU.


Come on, what are you waiting for? I’ll tell you what I’m waiting for, a job that’s actually good enough not to have to trick applicants with cringey language.


Dream role: You’ll be overworked and underpaid but that’s fine because it’s your dream!!


Entrepreneurial mindset with a hands-on approach and the willingness to do what it takes to get the job done: Yeah, this one is a direct quote. BIG yikes. This sentence could be used to recruit for a multi-level-marketing scheme (ie. cult), or some kind of Mafia operation. But no, it was just a social media management role. AVOID.


Epic culture: Hi, 2009 called. It wants its word back. A telltale sign that a business wants to look relevant but doesn’t know how.


Exciting one month opportunity: Exciting because in 30 days you’ll be unemployed again! Honestly, these jobs wouldn't be taken seriously if it weren’t for COVID. I would bet my first born that the application process takes longer than the job.


Huge Creative Freedom and Role Autonomy To Let Your Spirit Roar With Cool Videos: Hello, police? I’d like to report multiple grammatical crimes. Yeah, this is another direct quote. I’m calling this one out specifically because it’s a true travesty. It’s also a full-time videographer role paying $40 000 a year in a capital city. A roaring spirit isn’t going to pay the bills.


Hungry: Used in a work context, ‘hungry’ is, in my opinion, used to push the hustle culture agenda. It glorifies the struggle and pushing forward no matter the cost. It’s a word used to prey on those who don’t know what they’ve signed up for. I always avoid a company or employer that uses this word.


Make an impact: They’re trying to appeal to a young audience of applicants who are trying to ~make a change in the world~. In my experience, they want young activists to apply and get all excited for the job, only to end up hiring internally or going with someone who has 45 years’ experience and is a few years away from retirement. Do I sound bitter? I guess I’m a little bitter.


Make it your own: The idea of this I like. Making a job your own is great in theory, because it should mean you can set up your own processes and procedures. But depending on the company, it might not play out that way. A lot of the time you’ll be told you’re going to get a lot of flexibility, but when it comes to it, the red tape will win. The red tape always wins.


Make magic happen: It’s startling and offensive how often I see this in a job ad. It means don’t apply.


Personal and/or professional growth: Underpaid role.


Self-starter: In theory it means you’ll be left alone, which I personally love. In actuality, it might mean you’re given very little guidance and training.


Take on your next challenge: When I see this, which is often, I keep fucking scrolling. Maybe it’s my disdain for being told what to do? I just don’t like it. It also could mean that working at that place is challenging and not in a good way.


VIBRANT: No. No, no, no. Honestly this word could mean so many things in a job ad, and none of them are vibrant. It’s more likely that they mean they have a ~cool~ and ~modern~ office, probably with a ping pong table and an ‘activation’ space filled with beanbag chairs. Hello, Silicon Valley? This company is trying to steal your lewk.


Check out part one if you missed it!