Robert Pattinson resurrected my libido
If 2020 has revealed anything, it's a widespread thirst for Robert Pattinson. What 2020 isn't willing to recognise or even fucking acknowledge is that I, an extremely heterosexual and frankly pathetic woman, have had a lady boner protruding through my Kmart denim for this moody slice of cheese since I was seven years old. The conclusion of Twilight and the beginning of the contraceptive pill were the catalysts for both my Robsession and sex-drive going into a coma (Fuck you Estelle-35). In 2020, Rob saved my libido, bringing it back from the grave. In order to comprehend the 2020 thirst for R-Pattz (sorry sweaty I know you hate being called that xx) I have done my fair share of investigating. Following my thorough examination I have drawn some important conclusions regarding this developing phenomena, with three emerging criteria distinguishing the widespread moisture caused by this mid-30's man meat.
Cover image: me using Canva drunk
(1) He is a man (and a tall one at that)
Robert is, according to various sources, a man. He also maintains a quite pleasant stature, 185 full centimetres of raw sex appeal. Unfortunately for Robert, I am taller than him by one full centimetre (Rob, please let me know via our email address if you've been seeking out a large woman to dominate you as I have been hoping to accommodate this kink for you).
Now I know what you're thinking, he's a man?? That's the criteria? To that I respond, have you seen the celeb men that society has been accepting lately into the 'hot' category? Jake Paul has 13.7 million Instagram followers for FUCK sake, Leonardo Dicaprio is quite frankly, too bloated to be known for his continued promiscuity with young, beautiful angels and Matthew McConaughey's bestselling memoir was REALLY just a male self-help book on family violence and trauma veiled extremely fucking thinly as 'southern charm'. Let's GET REAL, we're accepting some low hanging fruit as 'leading men' and my personal comment on the matter is: Patty is god tier.
Having made my point exceptionally well, I will now move forward. Robert is a particularly high calibre crush, considering the dribble we as a penis-seeking social group have accepted onto our screens and into our shrexy fantasies. R-Pattz has something that resembles a personality and for a white man with fame, fortune and what I assume is an above average sized salami in his pants, that's breaking news.
(2) Sources indicate he has a personality, setting him apart from most men
I watch an average of 3.2 compilation videos of Robert each week. You know when you watch someone move through the world as a living, breathing person and you just know they thoroughly enjoy living inside their own head? I believe Rob falls within this category of individual. If you need a basis for this argument and some textbook examples may I suggest: Harry Styles, Miriam Margolyes, Olivia Colman and Dory the fish (not to be confused with her voice actor, Ellen Degeneres). Now I understand this isn't the marker of a personality, I can hear the critics now, 'that just means they're ~happy~, how ghastly, trauma forms a real personality'. To that I answer, he literally had to say the line 'you better hold on tight, spider monkey', in Twilight. Hearing him say that line was more fucking traumatising than my parents divorce, I can't imagine the long term health impacts of having actually said the line and it being immortalised in film.
I consider myself an avid movie viewer and reviewer, I was recently sourced as the pop-culture critic of our generation*. Despite this expertise, I won't claim to know or understand acting as a craft. What I do know is: Pattinson is attracted to complex characters. I also know that regardless of the size of Rob's role, you do not want to be his co-star, his skill is unparalleled and oftentimes defines the cinematic experience. As The Guardian describes, 'the camp French prince. The New York conman on the run. The criminal astronaut with a baby. He plays men called the Dauphin (The King), or Connie Nikas (Good Time), or Ephraim Winslow (The Lighthouse). He rarely plays characters called Ben or Ryan or Joe. Edward is about as boring as it gets, and even then the character is a telepathic immortal.' Perhaps most memorably in 2020 was his supporting role in Netflix's gothic, 'The Devil all the Time', in which Pattinson repulses audiences as a paedophile priest.
(3) Kristen Stewart and FKA Twigs allowed him to breathe the same air as them...confirming that he is more than good enough for my flower
Robert's bratwurst has been trusted to pleasure some of my favourite women on the planet. If there's one thing I value in this world, it's the opinions of people that aren't heterosexual whites like myself. Both FKA Twigs and K-Stew are empowered creators who quite frankly, have their shit together. if I was to stumble into a situation where I boned Robert, I would swiftly add 'shared a frankfurt with the creator of Magdalene and star of perhaps the best Christmas movie of all time' to my LinkedIn, asap. Robert's bedroom reputation has managed to network itself to an executive level, exponentially increasing his steam factor. To his exes, is there something I should know before I cash in my hall pass?
Robert, if you've made it this far and want to communicate with me discreetly please mail the Cheek p.o. box a copy of Breaking Dawn with page 154 ripped out. This is the signal we will use. Kind Regards.