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Modern Warfare Two: Nuclear Boogaloo

Call of Duty Modern Warfare Two is the story of a grief-stricken American general, who conspired to plunge the world into a third world war.


An ambitious undertaking, man dreams big I guess.


But how do you actualise this?


How do you set the world on fire?


Well he figured out a way...until it all went wrong.


This is the plot of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 from the perspective of General Shepard.


Step One: Orchestrate a US military satellite to crash land over the opposing superpowers country, so they can salvage it and decrypt the [ACS] codes, allowing them to enter and exit under US coastal radar without detection. To keep up appearances you attempt to recover the ACS. Use your own international spec ops task force to do this. You need to make the attempt before Russia is able to decrypt it.


Step Two: Find the most violent, morally bankrupt mercenary/terrorist available. Just so happens this mother fucker’s name is Makarov.


Step Three: This is where things get tricky. You need Makarov to commit an atrocity and frame your country, but he can’t know that’s what you want him to do.

So, you poach a young naive A1 killer from the Ranger core currently tearing Afghanistan to the Allah-damn ground. You fake his cred as a mercenary so he can join Makarov’s outfit, and be an inside man. But not so well faked that he fails to realise your mole is in fact a mole.

Now Makarov is a clever cookie. He realises that he can use the mole to frame the US for one of his attacks.

And bingo, that’s just what he does. Makarov takes his team (which now includes your Ranger), and goes Columbine on a Moscow airport. Framing the US by killing your Ranger before he and his homies make their getaway.


Step Four: Russia now resolves to go fucking scorched earth on ya’ll. And now that they have the ACS codes, they’re gonna go the whole fucking blitzkrieg.


Step Five: Now Makarov is nothing but a loose end, one that needs to be tied up. Under the guise of reprisal for the Moscow attack, have your personal boogeymen track him down to kill him.

Their only lead is tracing the ammunition used in Moscow to a fucking warlord/Brazilian cartel boss name Alex Rojas.


[Note: General Shepards boogeymen will now be referred to as “the homies” exclusively]

The homies roll into Rio, and get fucken busy. They chase Rojas’ right hand man through the streets, and blow out his fucking kneecap so he stops running. No time to waste, they haul old mate into a garage, and get busy on his nips with a car battery and jumper cables for some info on his boss.

Turns out he’s in the favela, so the homies go cartel hunting. It truly cannot be stressed enough how much of a shit show the favela becomes. Civilians trying to escape, cartel releasing dogs to come fuck the homies day up, dudes with RPG’s on rooftops shooting them down at you. Place is a warzone. Anyway, you catch the big cheese, pull some more car battery action, and learn that Makarov hates a guy in a Siberian gulag, and whose prison ID is 627. Now you don’t see it, but I highly suspect Rojas got a neat double-tap in the back of the skull after all this.





Step Five: Time to get this mysterious gulag guy. Problem is you’ve got SAM sites on some offshore oil rigs barring you from getting to ithey’re also holding hostages so you can’t just send them to the fucking shadow realm with a cruise missile.

So the homies suit up in some SCUBA gear, hop on a nuclear submarine, and covertly roll up the rigs to rescue your hostages and prepare for the Siberia assault.


Step Six: Now that the homies can reach the gulag they get busy on blowing the fuck outta that too, and resuce prisoner 627.

This requires a fucking infil via attack helicopters, coordinated with a naval bombardment and F-16's dropping high explosives at mach 3 on those Ruski SOB's

Turns out everyone already knows him, he’s another one of the boogeymen who was MIA. Luckily he has some ideas on Makarov, but that needs to wait for a hot minute. There’s a war on, remember??


Step Seven: So now you need to figure out what to do with the war. You know gulag man is totally fucking nuts, courtesy of the last few years in solitary confinement. So with some massaging, he does exactly what you want.

But what is it that you want? To frame Russia, as firing a mother fucking mega-nuke at the US to swing public opinion and get everyone on the fuck-Russia train.

So the homies arrive at a fucking ship yard where they have a nuclear submarine docked carrying about a dozen ICBM dicks throbbing to ruin someones day. The homies think they’re incapacitating the sub, but gulag man is really there to conduct a secret mission of firing one at the US. The homies roll in, do what they do, and gulag man completes his secret objective.


Step Eight: The nuke detonates in the stratosphere and has an EMP effect as opposed to the full Nagasaki experience. It works, EVERYONE wants to fuck up the Russian’s so you get your blank cheque to go into WW3.


Step Nine: Now to tie up that Makarov loose end. The homies learn he is in one of two places. So they split up and make their way to fuck him up.

Team one goes to some woodland area in Ukraine or some shit, and find a fuck load of intel, but no Makarov.

Turns out makarov has wised up to your con, so has bugged the tf out.

Unfortunately, the homies are also now a loose end. So in the greatest anime betrayal century, you murc that half of the homies immediately with your OTHER private army.who are promptly killed by some other spec ops guys in what is honestly the most shocking betrayal of the century*****.


Step Ten: As the team was split, you try to kill the other half. But this half are somehow an even purer strain of killer, and shoot their way through a fucking airplane graveyard and drive their stolen jeep into a moving C130 on the runway and escape

Step Eleven: oh shit, the surviving homies figured it out and are PISSED. The men a

who're purebred killers. Mother fuckers more lethal than a god damn apache, EACH. And they figured out where you are. They attack your base, they FUCK up your army of body guards.

In desperation you launch a missile strike on your own men in the hopes to hit your would be assassins. It doesn’t work, they are still coming.

They chase you on RHIB’s, you get into a moving helicopter from your boat. They shoot down your helicopter and drive their boat off a huge-ass fucking waterfall to chase and fuck you up. You stab one of them in the chest, and proceed to go HAM on the other guy. It looks like you beat them because they fell of a fucking waterfall. But PLOT TWIST, old mate pulls the fucking knife you stabbed him with out of his chest, and with the finesse of a circus performer throws that fucker into your eye and brain.


Note, all this shit happens over like a fucking week.